Law and Love Part 1 - The Rule of Law

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Where there is order there is government, instruction, or rule that finds its origin in God. Where there is disorder, these God ordained authorities are no longer functioning the way they were designed. 

The rule of law does not exist by some random chance. It was God's idea. We see the rule of law in everything God created.  DNA instructs the development of the body; gravity governs the solar system, the boundaries of the oceans and the couch I am sitting on; a day is governed by the rising and setting of the sun;  Kings and authorities are put in place to rule over nations; principals give instruction and leadership to schools.  On and on I could go listing everything that exists and the authorities that govern them.   There is not a single thing on this planet that does not have something bigger than itself ruling over it.  It is the natural order of life on earth and in the universe and a testimony to the existence of a higher being.

What about the home? It is the smallest and oldest God ordained institution divinely designed to be a testimony to the world of Christ and the Church.   Is it any surprise that, just like the rest of the orderly world we live in, God put in place a governing authority to rule over the home? 

Because of this natural order of the rule of law, when the God ordained authority is dysfunctional, absent or inactive the lesser subject will appear to rule itself when, in actuality, it is being ruled by natural consequences.  You have probably seen this exemplified in some families you know.  The parents coerce, beg, give in, negotiate, end every command with "OK?" and don't enforce it, and the children don't seem to have any sense of right and wrong, constantly getting into trouble, begging and whining to get their way and succeeding, mayhem abounds everywhere they go and "Good grief!" no one wants to be around this family!! In this example, the God ordained authority, the parents, is inactive or, at best, dysfunctional.  It appears that the children are ruling over themselves but are actually being ruled by the natural consequences of their bad behavior.

Children are like water.  They will freely go where there is no resistance.  Take, for example, a glass of water.  Except for evaporation, the boundaries for the water are very well defined. There is no confusion on the part of the water (if it could think) as to where it can and cannot go or what it can and cannot do. The glass is the authority and does not give in to the water. The structure of the glass defines it and the strength of the glass enforces it. Parents, we are the structure and strength of our homes.  Children will submissively remain within the boundaries given if those boundaries are very well defined and enforced.  Without boundaries they will ultimately become destructive or at least very unhappy, unproductive adults.  Remove the boundary of the water in the glass and you have a mess, or when the boundaries of the water in a damn are removed the destruction is massive. The longer a child grows up without boundaries the more destructive they will be to self or the world around them.  This is not to say that the rule of law is all there is to parenting. Not at all. But it is a large part of the balance that will ultimately produce balanced adults out of our kids.

I understand how overwhelming and confusing being a parent can be sometimes!  We get advice and opinions about it coming at us from all directions especially on the subject of discipline.  Consider again, the truths in the opening of this blog. Doesn't it make sense that YOU, the parent, are empowered by God Himself to rule and govern your home?   If you have bought into the idea that we are equal subjects with our kids, or even less than that, please allow me the privilege of offering back to you what has always been rightfully yours: your kingship over your home.

So put down the white flag of surrender and pick up your crown.  I am cheering you on! =)

Some of my other blogs I have written, and will be writing in the future, will help you know what to do to reclaim authority in your home. The link below is also an excellent resource.

https://www.amazon.com/Train-Child-Child-Training-21st-Century/dp/1616440724/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1475695977&sr=8-1&keywords=to+train+up+a+child

Court Approves of Spanking

A New York court recently ruled that a Long Island father used “reasonable force” when he spanked his eight-year-old son for cursing at an adult. Previously, he had been found guilty by a county court, but upon an appeal, the father’s use of a spanking was not considered excessive punishment. In a day of child abuse combined with alleged interference of the government into how parents raise their children, many parents are afraid to use corporal punishment to correct their children’s bad behavior. It is true that child abuse is a problem in our country, and some corporal punishment would be considered abuse; however, a spanking can be an effective means of child training and discipline. Proverbs 13:24 states, “He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.” My mother’s translation of that verse when I was growing up was, “He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him wears him out as it is needed.” Needless to say, my parents were not too worried about courts, judges, and prying neighbors. They were more concerned about what God had to say about disciplining their children. Therefore, an appropriate spanking was used in my family, and I am better for it.

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Look at the first part of this Proverb: “He who withholds his rod hates his son.” This is a powerful statement. It is saying that one of the most profound ways we show that we love our children is we discipline them in appropriate ways, even using “the rod.” If a parent refuses to discipline his child, this lack of discipline is making a strong statement about this parent. It says the parent loves himself more than he loves his child. No parent who is emotionally healthy enjoys spanking or disciplining their child. Many times we would rather not hurt ourselves by hurting our child. This reveals that our love for our child is not strong enough to lead us to give our child the very thing he or she needs most: discipline.

I am glad that a New York court took this stand and supported the father, but the father was supported by God many years earlier when God led the writer of Proverbs to put child discipline into proper perspective. What are your thoughts about this topic? Did your parents use corporal punishment on you? Do you think spankings are an effective use of discipline and child training? Share your thoughts below and pass this article along to someone else.

Leading Your Child to Respect Authority

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By Dr. Tim Riordan

It was raining outside, so my physical education class had to stay in the gym and go through a list of exercises. This was disappointing to a group of eighth graders, but since we could not control the weather, we simply made the best of it. I completed my assigned routine, and I stood in front of the window staring out at the rain. Suddenly, I felt a blinding pain as my body slammed against the wall. At first, I didn’t know what had happened as I felt like my backside was on fire. When I recovered from the shock, I turned and saw the coach standing there with his paddle, and he had this look of smug superiority on his face.

“What was that for?” I said in shock while trying to keep from embarrassing myself by allowing tears to roll down my cheeks.

“You’re supposed to be completing your exercises – not staring out the window,” the coach replied in a huff.

“I did complete my exercises,” I retorted with disdain in my voice.

I was royally ticked off. That coach had crossed the line. He spanked me for no good reason, and now he was going to get it. He did not even apologize, but rather, he just turned and walked away. My mom was going to hear about this, and she was going to eat him for lunch.

I went home in triumph knowing that my mother would surely be on my side this time. That coach had spanked me hard, and I had done nothing wrong. When I arrived home that day, I unloaded on my mom knowing she would be enraged.

My mother calmly replied, “I bet you have gotten away with things before that probably deserved a spanking. This one can just count for one you should have gotten before.”

I could not believe it. My mother was siding with the coach. He had practically abused me, and I was totally innocent. I was so angry at my mother for not coming to my defense. What I did not realize at the time was that she was giving me a very important lesson: always respect authority.

I see authority undermined all the time by parents, so they should not be surprised when their child eventually grows up to disregard the law, disrespect their teachers, and dishonor their parents. For example, when a child does poorly in school, the parent sides with the child and blames the teacher. Now, it may be true that sometimes the teacher is at fault, but the parent is doing a great disservice to his or her child when the teacher is blamed in the presence of the child. My smart mother knew that if she criticized the coach to me, I would no longer respect him as an authority in my life. This disrespect could slowly be channeled to other authority figures in my life. My mother may have called the coach when I was not around and given him a piece of her mind, but I never knew about it if she did.

Parents, beware. Always look for ways to support the authority figures in your child’s life. If you have to correct these authorities or criticize them, contact the person personally without letting your child know you are doing so. Leading your child to respect authority will help him or her avoid all manner of heartache in the future.

What are your thoughts about helping children respect authority? Will you share your experiences below and share this blog with your friends by clicking on the icon below?

Are Your Children Comfortable With Who They Are?

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By Dr. Tim Riordan

“If you are not you, then who is going to be you?” I remember my mother’s question to me like it was yesterday. I don’t remember the exact circumstance behind her response, but evidently she was encouraging me to quit trying to be someone I wasn’t. This can really be a challenge for children of all ages. Every kid wants to be liked, to be cool, or to be popular, and sometimes in the bid for those objectives, they alter their actions in an attempt to satisfy the crowds. One problem with this is that your child will flourish best when they are filling the shoes God made them to wear. Many children develop their idea of what is acceptable and desirable by listening to the voices of others, and most kids do not think they are either acceptable or desirable. They look around at other children in their class and begin working to adopt another child’s persona. It may have to do with certain habits or actions. It could be a sport or some other activity. Children oftentimes begin to experiment with drugs or sex out of the pressure of their peers to fit in, but in the long run, they find themselves in trouble, disillusioned, and disappointed.

Children at school are not the only influencers in our kid’s lives that might lead them to adopt a false persona. Sometimes, we as parents provide an equally dangerous threat. We may not mean to, but we begin to create in our children’s minds that they will be more acceptable if they act or perform a certain way. We may inadvertently compare them to one of our other children or to a child in another family. This performance based acceptance will bring discouragement and insecurity.

We must help our children come to understand that God made them unique, and they will find their greatest satisfaction and fulfillment when they understand their identity and walk the path God made them to walk. While we may want our children to be a sports superstar, your child may have musical talent instead of athletic abilities. As parents, it is paramount that we acknowledge that our parenting is about our children and not ourselves.

Helping Your Child Fail Forward

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By Dr. Tim Riordan

I recently wrote about parenting failure, and I’m sure we can all relate. Parents are not the only ones who fail. Our children do too. What do you do with failure in your child’s life? We really can do one of two things. We can either condemn our children, driving home the failure in their life insuring that they will fail again, or we can help our children use the failure as a stepping stone to success in the future. I think we would all agree that the second option is by far the best. How do we help our children fail with positive results?

We must first help them see the benefit of failure. The only way you can avoid failure is if you do not do anything. Isn’t that a failure on its own? Henry Ford once said, “Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.” As John Maxwell said, “Failure doesn’t have to be final.” We need to help our children accept the fact that there are great benefits to failure. If nothing else, failure helps us to learn one more way not to do something. Our failures do not have to define us, but rather they can teach us. In order for this to happen, we must reflect upon our failures. That may be where we mess up the most. We must help our children to process their lives and think about their failures and successes.

Along with that, we must ingrain in our children that they should never give up because perseverance is a key quality of a successful life. It’s not that we should just keep doing the same things over and over again hoping to succeed. We should analyze and adjust – analyze what we do and adjust to what works. While we may fail at something ninety-nine times, it could be the one hundredth time that brings success.

 It will help your children to know that when they fail, they are in great company. The Bible is filled with stories of people who failed and then later succeeded. Consider Jonah, Abraham, David, and Paul. History is also replete with examples. Thomas Edison, inventor of the light bulb, said, “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” If people like Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, and numerous biblical characters share the common denominator of failure before they experienced success, your child can also be encouraged that success could be found in the next attempt.

 While failure isn’t fun, it is necessary. Failure is usually the classroom through which the steps to success are learned. Our children need to learn this important lesson and avoid giving up when accomplishment is within their grasp.

I Don't Know What to Do!

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By Dr. Tim Riordan

Parenting ignorance. It is a malady with which every parent struggles, but most of the time, we beat ourselves up over our lack of knowledge. Consider this: Imagine beginning your college career as a freshman taking Chemistry 401. Chemistry is your first class on your first day of your first year. You walk into class, and the professor is distributing a test – the final exam. How would you do?

You say to the professor, “How would anyone be expected to pass the final exam in a senior level class on the first day of school as a freshman?”

Good question. We should ask ourselves the same question when we feel totally defeated in our parenting because we failed at something or because we’re at a crossroad and are just not sure which way to go. Here’s a question for you. Why should expect to be a parenting expert with your three year old or your teenager when you’ve never been a parent before? Maybe you are thinking that this question doesn’t apply to you because you are currently struggling with child number three. The fact is that every child is different. We do not parent every child the same, so just because you had success before with a particular method does not mean success with the succeeding children will be forthcoming. The fact is, parenting is a journey and an art. It’s not really a science. While there are important principles that can be applied in every situation, we must be flexible and acknowledge that we are forever in the school of parenthood. So, don’t beat yourself up. Learn from your failure, and determine how you will handle things differently next time. Denis Waitley said, “Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end.”

I try to follow the “Joshua Principle” when it comes to parenting. I love the story of the Children of Israel standing before the Jordan River at flood stage. While the Israelites did not know how they would cross the river, God told them to get ready. Joshua spread the word throughout the camp: “When you see the Ark of the Covenant of the Lord your God with the Levitical priests carrying it, then you shall set out from your place and go after it…that you may know the way by which you shall go, for you have not passed this way before” (Joshua 3:3-4). The Ark of the Covenant represented the presence and leadership of God. Inside the ark were several things, including a copy of God’s law. Let’s acknowledge that we too “have not passed this way before” and keep seeking God’s help as He leads us into the unchartered territory of parenting. When we immerse ourselves in God’s truth and constantly seek God’s presence, we will find God’s help when we don’t know what to do.

How do you respond to parenting failure? Share your thoughts below and share this blog with your friends through Twitter and Facebook by clicking the links below.

The Power of Words

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By Dr. Tim Riordan

Whoever came up with the children’s mantra, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never heart me,” must not have been a child. Words are actually quite powerful. While children can overcome physical blows quickly, painful words have a way of embedding in the mind of a child and staying there for the rest of his or her life. The Proverb writer said, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” We actually shape our child’s image of themselves by the words we use. I’ve got a friend who was given the nickname “Dummy” by her father when she was quite young. This moniker affected the way she saw herself even into her adult years, and I have a feeling that even though God has helped her overcome a lot of the negative impact of this careless label, it still affects her.

As parents, we have numerous choices to make regarding our children, and one very important choice has to do with the words we use. Our children desperately need affirmation, and they specifically need affirmation from Mom and Dad. Dr. John Cacioppo of the University of Chicago conducted a study of people’s reactions to negative and positive words. His conclusion showed that the brain has what he called a “negativity bias.” We are more sensitive and responsive to negative or unpleasant words than positive words. This is why criticism has a much greater effect on us and can stay with us for our entire lives.

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, from the University of Washington, suggests a five-to-one formula. While he was initially addressing married couples, the formula can certainly apply to children. Maybe, the numbers should be changed to ten-to-one. According to Gottman, the brain will overcome a negative word or criticism if it receives five positive comments or affirmations. We might think of it as giving our child a high five. What are some positive things you can intentionally say to your child today? How can you give him or her a high five. Saying negative things to our children may come naturally to us because we always seem to be in “correction mode.” We’ve got to change that and see ourselves as the shapers of our child’s character and destiny. Affirmation is a critical part of that process. This may be why Proverbs 16:24 says, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

Launch of 31 Days to Effective Parenting

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What could you do if you had 31 days to do it? Could you lose ten pounds? Could you organize your closet or deepen your prayer life? This blog will focus on the life-changing experience of...change. For now, we're going to focus on finding needed change in our parenting. Follow us for principles that work as we will be posting insight on parenting principles gleaned from our own experiences as well as from the experiences of others. Welcome aboard to 31 Days.