Leading Your Child to Respect Authority

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 http://sandrariordan.com/ 

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By Dr. Tim Riordan

It was raining outside, so my physical education class had to stay in the gym and go through a list of exercises. This was disappointing to a group of eighth graders, but since we could not control the weather, we simply made the best of it. I completed my assigned routine, and I stood in front of the window staring out at the rain. Suddenly, I felt a blinding pain as my body slammed against the wall. At first, I didn’t know what had happened as I felt like my backside was on fire. When I recovered from the shock, I turned and saw the coach standing there with his paddle, and he had this look of smug superiority on his face.

“What was that for?” I said in shock while trying to keep from embarrassing myself by allowing tears to roll down my cheeks.

“You’re supposed to be completing your exercises – not staring out the window,” the coach replied in a huff.

“I did complete my exercises,” I retorted with disdain in my voice.

I was royally ticked off. That coach had crossed the line. He spanked me for no good reason, and now he was going to get it. He did not even apologize, but rather, he just turned and walked away. My mom was going to hear about this, and she was going to eat him for lunch.

I went home in triumph knowing that my mother would surely be on my side this time. That coach had spanked me hard, and I had done nothing wrong. When I arrived home that day, I unloaded on my mom knowing she would be enraged.

My mother calmly replied, “I bet you have gotten away with things before that probably deserved a spanking. This one can just count for one you should have gotten before.”

I could not believe it. My mother was siding with the coach. He had practically abused me, and I was totally innocent. I was so angry at my mother for not coming to my defense. What I did not realize at the time was that she was giving me a very important lesson: always respect authority.

I see authority undermined all the time by parents, so they should not be surprised when their child eventually grows up to disregard the law, disrespect their teachers, and dishonor their parents. For example, when a child does poorly in school, the parent sides with the child and blames the teacher. Now, it may be true that sometimes the teacher is at fault, but the parent is doing a great disservice to his or her child when the teacher is blamed in the presence of the child. My smart mother knew that if she criticized the coach to me, I would no longer respect him as an authority in my life. This disrespect could slowly be channeled to other authority figures in my life. My mother may have called the coach when I was not around and given him a piece of her mind, but I never knew about it if she did.

Parents, beware. Always look for ways to support the authority figures in your child’s life. If you have to correct these authorities or criticize them, contact the person personally without letting your child know you are doing so. Leading your child to respect authority will help him or her avoid all manner of heartache in the future.

What are your thoughts about helping children respect authority? Will you share your experiences below and share this blog with your friends by clicking on the icon below?

Are Your Children Comfortable With Who They Are?

My blog has moved to:

 http://sandrariordan.com/ 

Hope to see you there for more recent posts!

By Dr. Tim Riordan

“If you are not you, then who is going to be you?” I remember my mother’s question to me like it was yesterday. I don’t remember the exact circumstance behind her response, but evidently she was encouraging me to quit trying to be someone I wasn’t. This can really be a challenge for children of all ages. Every kid wants to be liked, to be cool, or to be popular, and sometimes in the bid for those objectives, they alter their actions in an attempt to satisfy the crowds. One problem with this is that your child will flourish best when they are filling the shoes God made them to wear. Many children develop their idea of what is acceptable and desirable by listening to the voices of others, and most kids do not think they are either acceptable or desirable. They look around at other children in their class and begin working to adopt another child’s persona. It may have to do with certain habits or actions. It could be a sport or some other activity. Children oftentimes begin to experiment with drugs or sex out of the pressure of their peers to fit in, but in the long run, they find themselves in trouble, disillusioned, and disappointed.

Children at school are not the only influencers in our kid’s lives that might lead them to adopt a false persona. Sometimes, we as parents provide an equally dangerous threat. We may not mean to, but we begin to create in our children’s minds that they will be more acceptable if they act or perform a certain way. We may inadvertently compare them to one of our other children or to a child in another family. This performance based acceptance will bring discouragement and insecurity.

We must help our children come to understand that God made them unique, and they will find their greatest satisfaction and fulfillment when they understand their identity and walk the path God made them to walk. While we may want our children to be a sports superstar, your child may have musical talent instead of athletic abilities. As parents, it is paramount that we acknowledge that our parenting is about our children and not ourselves.

Training Johnny to Sit Still - Part 2

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By Sandra Sellers Riordan

Work out, quiet time, coffee, Mom and Johnny have been on my mind and I'm ready to write. Sorry for the delay in writing since the last one left you hanging, but all my kids were gone (rare occurrence) and I was in the "It's now or never!" mode for refinishing the stairs that lead to my kids bedrooms. Thankfully the worst part of it is done!!

In my last blog Mom, after a Doctors office experience with Johnny,  realizes more than ever that her son's behavior in certain situations is unacceptable. Mom decides to seek advice from her Grandmother, which proves to be life changing for Mom and Johnny. Here's what happens:

After Mom's talk with Grandmother, she decides to gather all of her "a-day-at-the-park" friends together and have, well..... a day at the park! With the help of a hired sitter to watch the children on the playground, Mom collaborates with her friends and realizes that they too struggle with knowing what to do about their preschoolers learning to sit still at appropriate times. Mom shares the wise advise of Grandmother, and they all commit to giving it a try and meeting at the park again the following week. They all leave the park feeling encouraged and wide eyed with that "There's hope!" look on their faces.

On the way home, Mom helps Johnny recall the events that took place at the doctor's office. She explains that his behavior was unacceptable, and that when they get home, they are going to practice being still and quiet.  Mom and Johnny arrive home and grab a quick lunch (Johnny is not happy with lunch options, but that is another blog).  =)

After lunch, Mom squats down to Johnny's level, and with a gentle and matter-of-fact way says, "Now it's time for sitting-still-and-quiet practice."

Mom is very resolute about not allowing herself to get emotionally involved with what could happen during practice.  After all, this is about Johnny, not Mom.

Mom's goal for their first practice is simply to help Johnny understand that sitting still and quiet is a reachable goal and that he must hear and obey Mom's words.

They have a seat on the couch, and Mom says "Johnny, we are going to sit still and quiet for five minutes."

Mom sets the timer and hands him a book while she begins to read hers. The house is perfectly quiet.  Mom recalls her Grandmother's words and is encouraged to stick to this plan. After one minute, Johnny decides that boredom is his enemy and entertaining Mom would be a lot more fun. He jumps down off the couch and begins doing a silly little jig in front of her. Mom resists the temptation to be amused (it is actually quite cute) and confidently reaches for the tool she had chosen for correction, a wooden spoon. She recalls her Grandmother saying,  "Now remember, you are not disciplining him, you are training him.  You know, like your Paw-Paw used to do on the farm when he trained that sassy filly he bought for you to ride." She maintains her composure and firmly pops Johnny on the leg once leaving a painful sting.

"Ouch!!"  Johnny says, with a look of horror on his face that Mom would do such a thing.  "Why did you do that?!"

"I told you to sit still and quiet for five minutes and you disobeyed me, Johnny. Now, let's try it again."  Mom calmly states.

Mom chooses not to answer any more of Johnny's questions at this point. This is no time for reasoning.  All Johnny needs to know is that there are consequences to his disobedience. She lovingly instructs Johnny to sit back down and explains that he must choose to be obedient and sit still and quiet for 5 minutes, and she resets the timer.

Johnny is firmly corrected five times with the spoon for whining, running away from Mom, making loud truck noises etc., but after five corrections, sixteen minutes and a few tears, they reach their goal.

"Ding." The timer goes off. Mom and Johnny look at each other with shear delight! They had reached their goal! Johnny jumps up and down and into Mom's arms because now it is time for celebrating and sweet affection. They decide to celebrate with some really "cool" space rocket- shaped popsicles Mom had bought at the store just for this occasion, and then they play Johnny's favorite game, "The Hungry Frog".

Over the next three days, Mom has still-and-quiet practice with Johnny twice each day.  By the end of the three days, they reach a twenty minute goal!  She can hardly wait to hear from her friends about their experiences and share her success.

The values that are gleaned for Mom and Johnny and their relationship from what takes place this day and days to come are rich indeed.  Mom's friends have a lot to share, some successes and some failures.  Read more about it in my next blog!

He who withholds his rod hates his son, 

But he who loves him disciplines him diligently. 

Proverbs 13:24

Training Johnny to Sit Still

My blog has moved to:

 http://sandrariordan.com/ 

Hope to see you there for more recent posts!

By Sandra Sellers Riordan

So here is a typical situation I have seen over and over again:

Mom has a doctor's appointment and no one to baby sit Johnny. Mom and Johnny enter the waiting room. Mom looks distressed because she already knows how this is going to turn out; it has happened too many times before.

"Oh well," she reasons, "surely no one expects a 2 1/2 year old to sit still and quite, right?  Others in the waiting room will be understanding."

She sits Johnny down and gives him a toy while she pulls a magazine from the table beside her. Nervously eyeballing her son, she tries to pretend that everything is going to be fine, hoping that things will be different this time.  Wow, Johnny is still for one minute, then two, now going on three!  This is looking hopeful!  After two minutes and 39 seconds Johnny starts getting fidgety.  Laying down his toy, he prostrates himself in his seat and begins throwing his legs up in the air.  Mom pulls him back to a sitting position, Johnny groans and whines.  Thirty seconds later he jumps down on the floor and crawls under his chair and barks like a dog.  Mom is faintly aware that others in the room are beginning to notice and be annoyed by Johnny's behavior. At this point it becomes a personal issue for mom because she is feeling embarrassed.  This frustrating situation continues until it resembles a wrestling match between mom and son and everyone is watching.  She jerks Johnny up by the arm with everything but a look of love for her son on her face. She exits the room with Johnny screaming and wears him out.

What is going on here?  Who is winning in this situation?  No one.  Who is mom most concerned about?  Herself.  Does this situation reflect the nature and character of God?  No.  What has Johnny gained from his mother's behavior?  A dislocated arm and a great example of being out of control, which is already his problem.  What should mom expect?

The good news is that after this scenario, mom thinks, "There's got to be a better way."

She determines in her heart to make a change and seeks the counsel of an experienced Godly mother. Mom learns about herself and how to remedy her problem in just three days.

 

Helping Your Child Fail Forward

My blog has moved to:

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Hope to see you there for more recent posts!

By Dr. Tim Riordan

I recently wrote about parenting failure, and I’m sure we can all relate. Parents are not the only ones who fail. Our children do too. What do you do with failure in your child’s life? We really can do one of two things. We can either condemn our children, driving home the failure in their life insuring that they will fail again, or we can help our children use the failure as a stepping stone to success in the future. I think we would all agree that the second option is by far the best. How do we help our children fail with positive results?

We must first help them see the benefit of failure. The only way you can avoid failure is if you do not do anything. Isn’t that a failure on its own? Henry Ford once said, “Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.” As John Maxwell said, “Failure doesn’t have to be final.” We need to help our children accept the fact that there are great benefits to failure. If nothing else, failure helps us to learn one more way not to do something. Our failures do not have to define us, but rather they can teach us. In order for this to happen, we must reflect upon our failures. That may be where we mess up the most. We must help our children to process their lives and think about their failures and successes.

Along with that, we must ingrain in our children that they should never give up because perseverance is a key quality of a successful life. It’s not that we should just keep doing the same things over and over again hoping to succeed. We should analyze and adjust – analyze what we do and adjust to what works. While we may fail at something ninety-nine times, it could be the one hundredth time that brings success.

 It will help your children to know that when they fail, they are in great company. The Bible is filled with stories of people who failed and then later succeeded. Consider Jonah, Abraham, David, and Paul. History is also replete with examples. Thomas Edison, inventor of the light bulb, said, “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” If people like Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, and numerous biblical characters share the common denominator of failure before they experienced success, your child can also be encouraged that success could be found in the next attempt.

 While failure isn’t fun, it is necessary. Failure is usually the classroom through which the steps to success are learned. Our children need to learn this important lesson and avoid giving up when accomplishment is within their grasp.